I hope nobody reads this. seriously. it's one of those days where I'm too tired (or discouraged) to get up and walk over to my journal (you know, the paper one.. not the electronic kind??) yeah that one. I've been perusing the internet and other blogs and now it's just perfect to stay slouched and put out a few thoughts of my own in hopes that the purpose of this blog will serve the opposite of its purpose today... to not be read by those around me but to touch my own soul, its writer.

I wish I had a place where I could get out, run wild, pick a wildflower, get dirt underneath my fingernails, and simply be, by myself. But, alas, I live in a city (small at least) where there is nowhere to run wild and express your heart openly, loudly, and honestly. So this blinking cursor and blank screen must serve as my wild field. And, we will pretend that I am wearing a sundress that flows right along with my untamed, curly hair (which I do not have... instead, I have a slept on bee-hive after having been to the salon yesterday where they tried a "tease powder" that makes me look like I stepped right off a 60's movie set). I just need somewhere to roam wild today and express my heart, unkempt.

It's nothing horribly serious. It's no crisis. But it's just one of those days where you have been consistent in the Holy Bible, cultivating a daily and deeper relationship with Jesus, the One, and yet you're coming up dry. Not dry as in "i can't feel Him.." thankfully, i have gotten past that saga and pushed through enough to benefit from the discipline that commitment PAYS off, and in a big way. Instead, this day is just an annoying feeling.. as in, I have to do some things that i just don't want to do. period.

I took a bath last night, (which is my clear my head, yell out my frustrations, figure it out time without anyone seeing!) and while doing so, asked God, "really? I just don't want to do this!" (not the bath, but something else in my life that is just a difficult spot) the the response was, "well, you're gonna have to go through it one way or the other, so you might as well go with a good attitude and save your rear end." Upon hearing that answer, my frustration rose JUST like a child throwing a temper tantrum, "but i don't want to!!!" So I said, "Ok God, if that's the case, then give me some sort of a visual, a story, an analogy that I can relate to." And he did...

So this is the story. I was 4 or 5 years old (wish i could remember the exact schoolyear) and my family was in Gatlinburg, Tennessee having a lovely family vacation. We always went there in the fall every few years to enjoy the fall colors and celebrate family... Not to eliminate the fact that my parents went to college there and were first young marrieds there, which brought about its own sentimentality and charm. It was a crisp, cold fall morning and we were all going out, probably to the Pancake Pantry, our FAVORITE swiss-village breakfast stop. After that, we would probably head onto the rest of the lil' mountain village, like little gnomes wandering the hillside. Anyway, we were leaving for the day. And you must know that in a family of four little girly girls, we were shuffling around to figure out the morning routine, and this time it was a little exciting because we were in a MOTEL room. So with that said, we were out of our morning routines. Or at least i was...

The issue was that i didn't want to wear the brightly colored, neon star-studded turtle neck that my mom had picked out to match a perfect pair of hot pink, neon cordouroy pants. I know what she was thinking... that this would be a GREAT outfit for the cool, crisp weather where the youngest of four little girls would complete the look with her neon colored half-moons and stars wrapped around her neck! But apparently, i didn't do turtle necks. Or at least not that day. It was on. I could feel it coming... that temper tantrum that you reeeally don't want to have, but you just can't help it because you don't like that shirt, the way it looks or feels! it's not that you're TRYING to be a bad child or rebellious, but you just can't stand it. Your spirit rises, then the anger, then the tears, then the set-in will. There's no turning back these feelings.

My sisters were all outside on the motel playground by this point on those little boingy figurine animals. I remember clearly. And i was waiting inside battling it out with my mom near the window heating and cooling system, trying to convince her, or moreover, rebel against her, that i WAS NOT GOING. Until we changed this crazy shirt. Well, thanks to the credit of my amazing (how did they know what to do??) parents, they didn't give in. And this is what she told me, "You are going in that outfit.. it looks so adorable, Rachel-- with those stars and pants-- and we are not changing... So, we need to leave and you will come with us whether you are mad or not. And if you are mad, you will not enjoy the day and ruin it for yourself. So it's up to you, but we need to leave. " And with that, we left. Everybody else was happily playing and it even appeared that they skipped when we left the motel?! Nobody said a word and there I was, having to follow in line and take my place, like the last duck on Make Way for Ducklings. I remember being in my own world and thoughts. And what's shocking is that when we crossed a little bridge that led into town, I remember actually FEELING cute! In my outfit. It was definitely a subtle feeling, but everybody else had gone on, and there I was beginning to ENJOY the day. I didn't dare say a word for at least another 20 minutes, just to prove that, of COURSE, I was still mad or at least put out about the outfit situation. And with that, I enjoyed the day. And remembered it for another 20 years.

Back to the bathtub scenario... all of my bubbles had pretty much dissolved as I sat with just a twinge of that same disgruntled spirit when I remembered the star-studded neon turtleneck and the fact that, indeed, God had provided an analogy. And a good one at that. Why is it that He always comes through with good ones? I was looking for a different form of comfort! But instead, I heard something from the Divine to the effect of, "You have to go tomorrow and do what needs to be done. There's no way around it. So you can either go with a good attitude or a bad one. But, we're going." And with that, I got out of the tub, did the next thing and woke up this morning, still with a tiny twinge of the tantrum, but realized that THIS is what a good parent does. There's no way around it.

So I guess this blogging is the end of my 20 minutes of acting at least like I'm put out about this situation I'm in, but realizing there's no other way around it but through it. And I'm actually feeling good about it and thankful that i have a Parent who does the right thing and doesn't just give me what I want, but what's best. I can't see why yet, but there must be a reason for it. Afterall, he is God.