Tonight I was driving back to our apartment with my love. The rain was glistening on the windows and each of us were in our own worlds. My husband's thoughts were faithfully directed towards the role of providing for our little family by getting the job done well. And mine were directed toward other thoughts.

Tonight I was feeling the question. Not just wishing it... feeling it. Like in the gut. Like in the throat, when you can barely swallow. How do you (or God?) build character so amazing that sets some apart from others? What if I am part of the "others"? What if somehow I never seem to get over those pains and questions that preoccupy my heart and even soul? How do you become a person whose life is running after God? Pressing in. Energized. Passionate. One-minded. Content. Steadfast. Not upset about every little thing. I decided to google the faithfulness of God and get some last-ditch effort glimpses of maybe an image that might spur on an answer for this unrest in my heart. This is what came up:


And this...


And this...


And...THIS.



If it is truly the grace of a Father holding his child's hand and saying with each fearful, ignorant step "this is the way, walk ye in it." And if it is truly the beauty of perfection that is supposed to be displayed even in the imperfection of marriage, then just maybe I can do this thing. I've never liked geysers. I have always seen them as more of a natural "disaster" and annoyance than creation. But tonight, when I saw that geyser, I realized that perhaps the sole reason it exists is to show that, indeed, there is a hand causing its power to release every. single. second. Faithfulness.

And finally, grace. God and I have long had an issue with grace. I'm sorry to be so raw. I understand that without grace, our Christian faith would have no doctrine. But I have so seen grace abused that, at times, I have been its worst skeptic. I have identified Jesus through the eyes of a passive grace hander-outer, like someone passing out candy to tricker treaters. Like a parent who wrongfully overlooks their child's sin, just to make it easier on themselves. Or like a cop-out for having to change, and saying that it's up to the other person to forgive. My heart's ugly places are evident, I know. But God is in the midst of working on them. And this, tonight, is the first time I have seen grace as something strong. As a geyser whose force does not stop. And a marriage that does not quit. But lasts.. and does so strongly, resolutely, and without faulter. Like a father that does not walk away, ever. But leads continually, hand in hand. Always, in perfection. Grace. Makes it possible to be able to stay in this race and just possibly become one of those who somehow run fast and furiously, all because they are being led--by hand that does not faulter-- and are allowed to fall.